"Summer in the city, means cleavage, cleavage, cleavage and I start to miss you baby, sometimes. I've been stayin' up, drinkin', in late night establishments- tellin' strangers, personal things."

Lost a bit of myself this quarter.
Music has always been the one thing that makes me feel like myself, like I have a purpose and I know exactly where I'm going, and I never thought it would become the one thing that is killing me inside. Music is hard- I didn't know this. I didn't know how lost I would become, or how lonely and afraid. I'm going to try to wait out winter quarter and just work to see if I catch up, but right now it looks desolate.
I'm not sure what I will do if I dont have music- maybe Literature? I like reading and books in general, not as much as music, but I do love it. I'm just tired of feeling like I'm drowning in a mass of key signatures and rhythms and fucking triads. I survived my first jury today- it went well, but I was a ball of tears afterwards; just knowing it was finally over and all the stress of the past ten weeks evaporated. I think it was overwhelming just knowing I survived.
Now, everywhere seems foreign. Home is cold. I dont remember what home is- this is sad. I am sad.